232.6 (-2.2)

Glad to post another loss but still no exercise as of yet. Crazy schedule and no time to work it in. Hopefully this week will be better.

234.8 (-2)

Very happy to log this loss, although I don't know how hard I've actually worked to achieve it.

I made some big exercise goals last week but I haven't worked out once. My schedule is such that I just. can't. squeeze it in. I feel frustrated about that, but I don't know what else to do. Rather than just making crazy, unrealistic goals a lo loco, I'm going to start off slow and take things week by week.

This week I know that I will be off on Wednesday. All day. *Victory dance.* So therefore, Wednesday will be one day that I will definitely exercise. Every other day this week is going to be crazy, but if I can exercise more then I will. I am officially committing to Wednesday though.

So, with less exercise, food choices must be on point. That means 100% calorie counting. According to this site, I maintain my weight consuming 2195 calories a day. So, I'm going to have to lower that number by 500 every day in order to lose a pound. I'm going to go for a little bit more than that and fix my calorie goals for this week at 1400. That gives me nearly an 800 calorie deficit per day and 5600 per week. So that should equate to another loss for next week.

I'm under 235, and my next goal is to be under 230.

236.8 (+1.2)

I can't say that I'm very surprised about that either.

In a nutshell, this week hasn't gone very well in terms of staying of top of my goals. No calorie counting, virtually no exercise (except for a one-hour workout on Tuesday), late night eating and poor food choices all point toward a gain on the scale and for that very reason I can't complain at all about this morning's reading.

I just get so frustrated sometimes because I know what I have to do to see results. I'm so tired of getting on the scale and seeing the same numbers. My 230s plateau has lasted for nine months, going on ten, and I'm so ready to see those numbers fall.

But I can't expect to see a change in the scale if I don't change my habits first:

• Writing down everything that I eat
• Staying between 1200-1400 calories
• Exercise every day for an hour
• Drinking 2L water every day

I am challenging myself to keep this up over the next week. By next Friday, my goal is to have met those four objectives.

Marissa's Thursday Weigh-in: 283

I knew even before I stepped on the scale this morning that I wasn't going to reach my goal for the week. You know how you just feel that your body hasn't changed much? Sigh. I am so tired of seeing the 280s, yet as I reflect on the past week/month, I realize that my diet has had a lot to do with the plateau I've been on. While I've managed to stay consistent on the exercise front, I've been slipping in my diet. Granted, I'm pleased that Carlos and I have been able to refrain from eating out, but lately I've been preparing meals with meat and a lot of oil, so it's no wonder I'm having a difficult time shedding these pounds. Admittedly, I haven't been counting calories, either.

It's time for me to be honest with myself. I know what I have to do to lose weight, yet I'm not doing it. I think it's partly because the "you-look-so-thin" comments from my husband and personal trainer are causing me to get lazy, and also that, subconsciously, I fear losing weight. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I've been overweight practically my entire life. "The diet" has become such a huge part of who I am that I fear I won't know how to cope with no longer having to worry about diet plans, start and end dates, and weight loss goals. That's uncharted territory for me, and I'll admit that it's scary--like having a part of you die. I've allowed this weight issue to consume me as a person--so much so, that I really don't know the person lying beneath. Stripping away all the extra fat, physcially and emotionally, will force me to see myself for who I am, and that makes me feel very uneasy. What will I do when I no longer have to worry about losing weight? I realize that this is a process--for some it's purely a question of calories in, calories out--but for me this is an emotional journey. I've been in an abusive relationship with food since I started dieting at 13, yet for as much as I know how unhealthy the relationship is, I struggle to break free.

Marianna's Friday weigh-in

In spite of getting off track on various occasions this week, I've managed to lose about a pound or so since my last weigh in. I'm currently at 235.6 pounds, meaning a total loss of 5.4 pounds.

My goals for this week are:

• Count calories and alternate between 1400 and 1600 calories daily
• Exercise five days this week for one hour, keeping track of food choices and calories burned
• No more middle-of-the-night eating

I'm focusing on these three things for the week. It's tempting to put a number goal out there so I'll resist, but my goal for the end of the month is to be able to mark a 10-pound loss.

Here's to a successful week!

Stop the emotions?

A friend of mine was kind enough to take and post this picture on Facebook and tag me in it, even though I obviously wasn't the focal point of the shot. This was taken at a birthday party we celebrated at our church for all of the teenagers whose birthdays fell in September. As can be expected, particularly with teenage girls, there were cameras in abundance and every five seconds you could see a white flash going off somewhere in the room. I won't say that I was nervous about the high probability of unknowingly being captured on camera but I was a little uncomfortable about the idea- particularly since the only person who knows how to photograph me at the best angle is my husband.

Angles can be quite deceitful but this picture is the real deal. This is what I look like to someone walking behind me and it's not pretty at all. That's not to say that I've now become super conscious of what people think about my appearance, but since I can't see myself from the back (and anyone can suck in their stomach or stand at a good angle to make themselves look better in the mirror anyway) it's always easy to fall under the dilusion that I don't look that bad. However, this picture has woken me up to the reality that I am, indeed, fat.

I read a blog post this week that really opened my mind to something. As I read of how the author talked about finding her key to success by taking the emotion out of weight loss and healthy living a light inside my brain immediately switched on.

So many of us have fallen prey to the ups and downs of losing weight, myself wholly included, and, according to the post, in letting those emotions control you, you'll never get off the dieting yo-yo roller coaster. That really hit home for me:

Ever since I began trying to lose weight at 14 years old, my emotions were always the driving force behind my successes and failures:

• At mealtime or faced with a food temptation as a teenager I would envision Shemar Moore or one of the Backstreet Boys standing infront of me with an unfriendly scowl on his face in complete disapproval of what I was about to eat. While this technique was initially quite effective it was, not surprisingly, short-lived.
• When I studied abroad in the Dominican Republic my emotionally-charged sense of urgency to lose weight propelled me to lose nearly 80 pounds in nine months. I came back to the States a new person but without that sense of urgency to keep me honest the pounds slowly but surely crept back on.
• A bad day at school, stress, PMS (among many other culprits) usually meant a decadent, fattening dinner followed by a late-evening run to the nearest convenience store for ice cream, cookies and any other calorie-laden dessert item available for purchase.

At twenty nine years old, I couldn't care less about what Shemar Moore or the Backstreet Boys think of what I eat. I no longer live surrounded by Dominican men nor am I forced to hear their comments about my appearance on a daily basis. (Not that I would care anyway). And, thankfully, marriage has somehow gotten me out of the late night ice cream and dessert run habit. But even though I've been able to break those emotional barriers, I can still see how my feelings on a given day determine whether or not I'll stick to my objectives.

The post that I read explained following an emotionless, mathematical calorie in-calorie out plan. 3500 burned calories equates to one pound lost, so logging your food intake, scheduling your exercise routine and knowing how many calories you're burning will give you an idea of where you'll be, numerically speaking, at the end of the week.

The extreme of that would be getting obsessed with counting and calculating, and I don't see that as a sustainable plan either. Obviously it's important to know what you eat and how much exercise you're getting in each day, but my goal is to make all of this such a routine part of my lifestyle that I don't even think about it anymore. Like dieting and exercise auto-pilot.

For me, that this is the gist behind emotionless weightloss. This is what I'm aiming for as I continue to get my health back on track.

Marissa's Thursday weigh-in: 283.0 (-24.6)

This has been an extremely hectic week, and I feel guilty for not posting as regularly as I had planned. Work has really been picking up, and once I get home I have just enough time to take Aníbal to the dog park, fix dinner, spend time with my husband and go to bed.

I've declared Thursday as my weigh-in day, for no particular reason. I've come down 4 pounds since last week, which I'm thrilled about, but I'm eager to get out of the 280s once and for all. Prior to last Thursday, I hadn't weighed myself in two or three weeks, and I was conviced that I was well into the 270s, judging by how my clothes were fitting and the daily "you-look-so-skinny" comments from my husband. Needless to say, I was slapped back into reality. This week, however, I'm determined to work hard and finally break out of my plateau. I plan to go to the gym everyday except for this coming Sunday, and really watch the calories I'm consuming. It's so true how you can easily go over budget if you're not careful. This weekend's challenge will be Nairobi's baby shower on Sunday, where there will surely be all kinds of antojitos dominicanos. I can't say I'll be able to pass up some empanadas or other goodies, but I definitely will do my best to behave.

My 5-ingredient challenge is coming along. I haven't totally eliminated processed food from my diet, but I'm certainly moving in that direction. This is a huge change that will take some getting used to, but I'm up for the challenge.

Here's to a sucessful week!